Not Giving Up

I need to clarify my last post. With so many emotions swirling and so little time to blog, I'm sure you realize that I can't explain or record even a fraction of what I'm learning or feeling.

I've had a few personal response who made it clear they feel like I'm giving up on my marriage. Thank you for expressing your concerns in such a caring way, ladies. Rereading what I wrote before, I can see how that could be a natural conclusion. I've also had a response of someone working through a difficulty in her marriage who wondered how I knew I was in God's plan to divorce and how she might know if it were okay for her.

Never do I want what I'm learning through this to encourage someone to leave their marriage. If there's any questioning that needs to take place in one's marriage, my prayer is that it draws the couple closer and serves as a warning of where things might lead if unchecked.

Again, my children might read this at some point, so I have difficulty expressing certain things. This is what we do NOT want the children to ever hear, "Dad is leaving," or "Mom is making Daddy leave." Either of those statements, we feel, will damage the relationship.

But I will say this: I do not want to divorce. There is no part of me that thinks, "Phew, I'm saved from living with fill in the blank for the rest of my life." I enjoy every minute of time I spend with Kevin.

The initial paperwork arrived yesterday and I waited in until the kids were in bed to open it. It was addressed to "Ms. Christina Berry." The miz broke me and I bawled in the bathroom for awhile. I even told Kevin, "I don't want to be divorced! I want to be married to you for the rest of my life!"

But that's simplistic. The sin issues remain and must be dealt with. And really it comes down to ... both people have to want to be in a marriage for it to work.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I've thought of the verse about a wife's behavior having the ability to bring an unbelieving husband to saving knowledge of the Lord. Well, Kevin is a believer, but I want to do everything within my ability to point to Christ with my behavior. I'm attempting to lay a solid groundwork of friendship, caring, and communication for if the Lord should put us back together again.

Yes, the Lord hates divorce. Some of you may disagree, but I don't believe it's the piece of paper or the act of filing that He hates. I believe He hates the sin and the shame and the betrayal and the hurt and the rending and the fallout. My legal status has nothing to do with the status of my heart, which at this point the Lord is keeping tender toward Kevin.

Someone told me that divorce is just changing one set of problems for another. Though I'm sure the reality will be harder than I can imagine, I'm not going into this with rosy glasses on. I don't want to be alone, to go back to work, to lose my house, to be away from my children on special days because it's "Dad's" turn to have them. I'm not choosing this.

I'm not giving up; I'm giving over. It's all in God's hands. My human nature is to refuse to fail, refuse to let go. But He's given me peace about releasing Kevin into His hands. I trust Him to fashion a thing of beauty out of this garbage.

Can This Really Be Happening?

On Sunday night, February 8th, I specifically asked my husband a question I feel came from the Holy Spirit. Kev just started blinking ... and I knew.

I can't even describe what happened to my heart in that moment, or what transpired between us. We were already in bed together, so after hours of talking, he dressed and left the house. I did not ask him to leave. There were no angry words. Just profound grief over the death of our marriage. I still struggle with that. Does my marriage covenant hinge on fidelity? Does anything on earth cancel my promise before God? Is He calling me to be a "Hosea?"

We do love each other, and we are still each other's best friend. I won't say anything bad about him and won't stand to have others do so either. In fact, the next Sunday was his birthday, so we all went to dinner and an Andrew Peterson concert. (Go buy his latest album, play track #5, and pretend you're me at the concert. Exquisite torture!)
Yesterday afternoon, we worked together to pack his things. We're living in the same house, joining hands around the table at family meals, doing taxes together ... but our spirits are already separating. It is the most painful experience I can imagine.
Do I think it's a coincidence that I'm editing a book about a wife dealing with her husband's unfaithfulness? Do I wonder why I'm writing a new scene that emphasizes the a struggle-with-forgiveness theme? No. God knew I would need to read what I wrote before this happened. I still believe in the message of the book, and forgave Kevin before he left the house that night. There may be some in the Christian world who will call our separation sin, but we believe we are following in the path of God by doing so, and recognizing the consequences of sin.


I feel God guiding me each step and I promise to do my best to stay in His will, to live a life above reproach. I am relying on Him as both Father and Husband.

We'll be losing the home we share with our parents because we cannot afford to maintain two households. However, I feel God has given me the passion of writing, and the first sale of my book, to carry me through this time. It gives me such purpose to carry forth the message of forgiveness. But I also must now make a living for myself and the three kids, so I'm looking at part-time positions.


Lest you be thinking ill of my Kevin, I want to say that aside from this issue, he's been a wonderful husband and given me many years of love, happiness, and security. I pray the Lord will help him find the broken part inside him. I thank the Lord for how He's going to use this heartbreak for good.

Please forgive me if I've shared too much, but I highly value transparency.

(Note: the pictures are Kev's birthday dinner at Fuddrucker's and us with Andrew Peterson and his awesome pianist, Ben. This is two days after we told the children--which is a whole post in and of itself.)

The Unraveling of a Knit-together Heart

The evening of the 16th, we sent a longer version of this out to friends and family:

This may come as quite a shock. With great sadness, we (Kevin & Christina) have decided to separate. We did not come to this decision lightly. In fact, we have godly professional counsel agreeing with this course of action. Though we love each other and remain best friends, there are irreconcilable issues at this point in our relationship. It breaks our hearts to think of living apart from each other, but we feel it is ultimately for the best. Though not all of you will agree with our separation, we ask you to respect our choice and support our family though the pain and loss we each are feeling.

We are doing our best to provide a calm, loving environment as we transition into separate households. Our hearts are heavy, but they are lightened when we think of the care and support you give to each of our kids. Our focus is truly on causing the least damage possible to our children.

We praise God for what He is going to teach us through this heartbreak and we continue to believe in a God of miracles. We welcome your prayers over this situation and wish we could tell you each face to face, though physically and emotionally that would be impossible.

My heart is still breaking--of course--but how can I not share with you all? But I am fully aware that (1) this is a public arena and (2) my children might read this someday. For those two reasons, I'm not going to be very specific as I make my way through all this pain.


Some of you are aware of our history. We met when I was fifteen and I've loved him ever since. Still do. We separated five years ago for about two months while working our way through one of the typical marriage-killing occurrences. At that point, we dealt with the root causes. I will not let the enemy steal the glory of the healing that took place during that time. We reunited, making promises I know we both felt sure would be kept.

But they weren't.

I have no anger, no blame. There's just a gaping hole of grief and sadness. Everything in my life is in transition. The myriad of details threaten to overwhelm me if I think of all I have to do. Of losing the house, of finding a "real" job, of losing my best friend. Of what effect this might have on our children. Of what Kev's or my life will look like in five years.

Then I cast all my anxiety on God, because He cares for me. Refuse to borrow worries from tomorrow as today DEFINITELY has enough of it's own.

I'll share more as I can. Maybe some of you will follow me on this journey because you've been through this pain. You'll be able to give me encouragement, or a kick in the rear, when I need it. I need every piece of wisdom I can get.

I'll post more as I'm able. Slogging through this situation drains me of both time and energy, but I want to leave you with one thought:

At AWANA last night, the children were given a few minutes in class to tell what they would say if Jesus walked into the room. Several wanted to thank Him for saving them, or ask how their lives would turn out. Me, I would just say, "Hold me."

Oh Where, Oh Where Did My Editor Go?

Again and again, after I announced the sale of the book formerly known as Undiscovered, congratulatory notes told me how lucky I was to be working with THE Andy McGuire. I totally agreed.

(Slight recap) Days before leaving for the ACFW conference, I had gotten the exciting news from my agent that Andy wanted the first three chapters. We ended up at the same table for a meal, but he never mentioned how he felt about my writing, and I wasn't about to ask in front of a large crowd of onlookers. I'm pretty used to rejection, but I still like to absorb it in private!

But he soon made it clear that he loved the book and jump started the committee meetings at Moody. He moved the process along really quickly to compete with the other house's offer.

I had visions of a long, fruitful career of an editing-writing partnership with him. I'd even decided what to get him for our first Christmas together.

Then ... he quit two days after I signed the contract! He moved to non-fiction with Bethany House. Not even a week into my contract, my book had been retitled and I'd lost my dream editor. That, folks, is publishing!

However, after I laughed and cried at the same time, I found myself in really good hands with Paul as editor and Randall as my marketing manager. I've felt valued and cared for every step of the way. Whatever fears I had of being left unsupported have proven 100% false.

The Familiar Stranger will be MUCH stronger because of the talks Paul and I have had. I can't wait for you to read it!

Random Observation

Putting a two-year old in corduroy pants is like putting a tinkly bell on a kitty cat. You always know where they are!

Debut Book Cover Revealed!

I can't wait to hear what you think! Many of you have posted comments over on facebook, but feel free to repeat anything complimentary here. ;-)

One big surprise, if you've followed along my writing journey, is the name of the book. All along (see labels on the bottom left-hand side of the blog if you don't believe me) I've referred to the book as Undiscovered. What?!? Turns out--and I knew this from my years of studying the industry--that publishers almost always change the names of books. If you're pursuing publication, don't stress over your title or become too attached to it. Most likely, your book will be released under another title anyway.

The interesting thing to me is that Moody changed the title to The Familiar Stranger before I even saw the contract! Somehow my book ended up on the fast track, so the title had to be decided upon quickly for the cover design process to begin. Despite other books on amazon sharing the same name and--how should I put this?--being of the spicier variety, I love the play on words. I'll just hope and pray my mother-in-law doesn't accidentally order the wrong one!

I really can't say enough good things about the way Moody has treated me. As a debut author I expected to have 0% input in the cover design. Instead, the marketing manager spent an hour on the phone with me to capture the feel of the story with pictures. This beautiful modern cover was the sixth cover they showed me. And that wasn't because I wasn't pleased with the earlier efforts, but that Moody wasn't satisfied. Disclaimer: there is a small chance the cover might change because of a technicality I found out about yesterday, but I'd promised to share the cover with you. If it does change, it will be another part of this crazy journey I can share with you.

Next post: Guess what wacky thing happened next concerning my contract with Moody. DON'T post if you already know. Let's keep it a secret until I reveal the laugh-out-loud, yet cry-inside moment.